( Public notice :-As a good practice watch the movie and then read the review:) )
The stern Visa officer stared at the three people seated in front of him.
He was curious. He looked at them. One glum, the second one grinning for no apparent reason and third with Lincoln thoughtfulness all over his face.
He had been told that they were movie stars wanting to go to his great country
‘Why do you want a visa? ‘ He asked while looking piercingly at them
One of the gentlemen piped up, his index finger resting thoughtfully on his philtrum giving a very calculated answer.
‘Uh Umm we are off to make a movie’
‘Wow movie star. Mumbai film industry. You slum dogs. That was one heck of a movie’
‘Uh Umm you see we are not slum dogs. Well not a bad idea. Maybe next time I will research for that role but now it’s for a movie about bikes”
The officer was curious ‘ Bikes?’
‘See basically the truth is (purses his lips) I am off to make a movie on myself”The actor clarified.
‘Uh..On you?” the officer asked perplexed.
The actor gives a small grin with wrinkles that travel unto his narrowed eyes and a generous dimple forming on the right side. This was not just any grin. It had been perfected over decades of calculating with precision of just how much to smile.
‘Ah ha, well I hate to be truthful, but yes. You see umm ah.., the story is about a bank there represented by one wooden face and two sidekicks who refuse to save a Broadway type circus show. The father commits suicide. The son he leaves behind umm ah.. grows up to be me. I have in the meantime only one mission in life. To keep robbing that bank. The person who refused loan to my father is now the President of the bank with two more wrinkles added to his face. I keep outwitting them”
“Wow interesting story line” the officer, his curiosity aroused, continues
‘So how do you rob the banks?‘
The actor smiles benignly.”Ha-ha that would be revealing. Aha. Cannot reveal that.In fact we never reveal it in the movie as well. We just show me entering and exiting the bank with a shrewd look on my face. So you will gather that I have been successful. I also exit most of the time in Matrix style. You know like walking down buildings along the walls. The stupid bank folks. Never ask me questions as I rig up expensive support gear on their terraces to travel down later. I just make sure that I put up my best grim ‘Gotcha’ look on while apparently coming down the building in Superman Style”
The officer looks piqued “Ok I hope you do not make our police look stupid”
The actor clarifies “aha no we don’t want to do that especially after you have given us permission to shoot around the most picturesque locales in your country. We outsource your failures too – That’s where these two come in“ He says pointing in the direction of the two gentlemen sitting to his left grimacing and grinning goofily.
The custom officer looks at them “ Hmm…But do they not work in tandem with anyone there”
“Well you see this guy with the goofy grin actually will work with one of your best female officers who solve cases of robbery by correctly identifying that the act has indeed been done by a thief. We wanted her to be the love interest of this goofy grinning guy who incidentally is also the producer of this film. The other gentleman is a legacy that I have to carry on in this version which is actually revolving around me and me alone “
The officer looks at the other two with a worried look “But then why take these two if they are not around in the movie anyway”
The actor gets worried, narrows his eyes and clarifies “See I am part of the main movie where we try to match Hollywood sophistication in special effects, great set pieces and costumes and outstanding photography. We create computerized havoc on the streets of your city without hurting anyone. But the Indian masses also need some nonsense tapori style stuff like Chennai Express. So I reasoned with the producer here allowing him to have a small parallel track with chawls, auto rickshaws doing embarrassing things, street lingo. Now please note that it is a completely independent track totally apart in intelligence from my own track. I am just doing it to help the distributors”
The officer is not sure he understood what was being said but prefers to shift to the next query lest he look silly. “What about your heroine?”
The actor narrows his eyes, gives his special wrinkled smile “Heroine hahaha you are joking right. When I act, it’s only me the audience watches. But then I had to help my producer friend here and allowed him to allow his favorite heroine to come in between all my important scenes and perform aerobics in sponsored lingerie from famous fashion lines’
The officer is now nearing boredom “Ok I get the picture. I understand you wanting to shoot in my country. But I still do not understand how you solve the problem and why you are seeking to shoot the climax in Switzerland, Verzasca dam”
The actor quickly glances at the producer actor sitting next to him. ”Well it’s a bit embarrassing. This producer here owes his allegiance to Switzerland from a long time. He wants to maintain his special privileges there and wants to shoot at least one scene over there.Though I intended to walk up the bank building on the wall in the end, I gave in, compromised on my superior script sense and agreed to complete the climax of this masterpiece on the wall of this arched dam”
The custom officer looks at the third hero who has been sitting glowering away. “ I understand these two. Who are you? “
The man is angered “My dad is a big actor and I am the hero of this movie “ He glowers.
The officer is quickly bored turns back to the chief actor who has been talking
“Ok, gentlemen I think I will grant you folks visas though I was told to not release any fresh ones till you put the cement barricade back on the road. But I have a feeling that the monies you expend will pump back energy into my economy. So fine. Just hope you are not planning to take any maids along with you?”
The actor turns back smiles benevolently the dimple appearing again.
‘No not this time but am planning to make a movie “TAI Zameen par”
The customs picks up his stamp and hurriedly stamps the three passports.
